CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY Emmy FYC Ads

Here are the Emmy “for your consideration” ads for CSI, CSI Miami, and CSI NY that appeared in the current issue of Emmy Magazine (Issue No. 3, 2011).

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CSI Miami Holiday Rock & Roll

By popular demand – and because it just begged to be done – here are the faces of your favorite CSI Miami stars in a rock and roll holiday romp.





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The CSI Franchise: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

All Photos CBS

I haven’t had too much time lately to be able to recap or review any of the CSI franchise shows, but I still watch all of them faithfully. Over the last few years, however, I found that my opinions of the respective shows – CSI (Las Vegas), CSI NY, and CSI Miami – have changed. The differences between the three series became most obvious for me with last week’s “trilogy” of episodes that crossed over the cities of Miami, New York, and Las Vegas. While the word “crossover” was used to describe this TV event, it really served as just a way to feature the newer kid on the CSI block, Laurence Fishburne. Many fans complained that they felt mislead about the trilogy, and I was disappointed that Fishburne was the only one to cross over. I do understand that crossovers can get expensive due to the actors’ salaries, so I guess I can’t fault CBS for trying to create a TV event without spending a fortune.

Here are my opinions on the shows of the CSI franchise, classified as the good, the bad, and the ugly.



The Good: I find myself now looking forward to episodes of CSI NY for many reasons. The cast has grown on me. With complex story lines for some of the key characters, I find myself becoming more interested in what happens to them. For example, Detective Danny Messer (Carmine Giovinazzo), after becoming paralyzed when shot in a drive by shooting, fought his way back to regain his ability to walk and is now walking without assistance. Detective Don Flack (Eddie Cahill), still reeling over the shooting death of Detective Jessica Angell (Emmanuelle Vaugier), drowns himself in drinking and bad behavior. In last night’s episode, “Cuckoo’s Nest” Flack gets mugged in the subway, and coupled with some tough love by Detective Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise), Flack decides to clean up his act. And while I’m on the subject of “Cuckoo’s Nest,” I should note that CSI NY is probably the best in the franchise in creating story lines that can span multiple episodes, as this one, which involved the second appearance of the “compass killer.”

CSI NY also does an excellent job of showcasing the city of New York, with frequent shots of the skyline and key landmarks. Again, last night’s “Cuckoo’s Nest” had some great scenes with the skyline as a backdrop The shots of the Unisphere at night with the fountains running full blast was also visually enjoyable.

CSI NY, which used to be the series that I had a hard time enjoying, has now become my favorite of the three


The Bad: CSI, once the king of all CSIs, has become a shadow of its former self, after loosing many of the key members of the cast – William Petersen, Jorja Fox, and Gary Dourdan. Unlike the Law & Order franchise, which is accustomed to a revolving door of actors, CSI’s success can be attributed in part to the stability of the cast. With so many cast changes over what seemed like a short period, the show seemed to be rattled a bit. The addition of Laurence Fishburne last season made the show a little more interesting for a while, but the show also seemed to become very dreary and gloomy with its story lines at the same time. The lighting also seems very dark and heavy, making the show feel almost depressing to watch. Sure, murder is never a happy subject, but it seems that the show spends too much time making everything look so heavy and oppressive that I can’t even enjoy the mystery of the crime itself. Fishburne is a fine addition to the show, but after the novelty of his character going through the ropes of becoming a CSI, he needs a new “hook” to keep fans intrigued.

I may be too harsh in calling the show “bad”, but I can’t say that it is good anymore, or that I enjoy watching it like I used to.


The Ugly: OK, you knew CSI Miami would be at the bottom of my list, didn’t you? It’s bad enough that we have to contend with the wooden yet scenery-chewing acting of David Caruso. But with the departure of Adam Rodriguez, a few more actors have been thrown in to the mix, and they are not necessarily adding much to the show. Eddie Cibrian was introduced to the series in a flashback when his character Jesse Cardoza was with the CSI Miami team before they got all glitzy and orange. Cibrian’s acting is as wooden as Caruso’s, and I suppose that they were hoping that with Cibrian’s good looks that no one would notice. (I did.) They’ve also added another CSI Walter Simmons (Omar Miller) who is hard to miss because he is so tall. He is also hard to miss because he is always spouting off every little detail about what he sees and what he knows, not only annoying his colleagues, but me as well. Calleigh Duquesne (Emily Proctor) is also getting very tiresome, with her sanctimonious attitude and her stiff, board-like posture, she is just plain grating.

The story lines are overly simplistic, the crimes so filled with ridiculous events and scenarios, the dialog so awful, and the acting so bad, that the show has become well known as the highest rated cheese-fest on television. (Don’t mistake this for meaning it is the highest rated TV show, I'm only talking cheese-fests.) The fact that they continue to over-saturate the colors – especially the orange Velveeta glow of Miami which makes it looks like the city is constantly on fire or worse yet, in a giant fondue – doesn’t help matters any. CSI Miami is so bad you almost HAVE to watch. And yes, I still do, but for the life of me I have no idea why. I could be an illness. Or maybe it’s because I don’t watch sitcoms and I need some comedy in my life? Regardless of my reasons, the show is virtually unwatchable at times, and if I missed an episode I wouldn’t be crying over it.


Don’t get me wrong, the CSI franchise is still good television, just some of it is better than others. And I am sure there are many out there who don’t agree with my assessment of each show. But the fact that CSI NY has only improved with age and grown on me may mean that CSI can recover from all the cast changes and be back on the top of my list. But CSI Miami? Sorry, I don’t see any hope that show will every make it out of the bottom for me.


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CSI Miami “Out of Time” A Giant Cheesefest

The Sunglasses: A Star is Born
(photo CBS)

After watching last night’s two hour season premiere of House “Broken,” the season premiere of CSI Miami (CBS) felt more like a comedy. The episode had more cheese than Wisconsin.

The episode involves the CSI team working to find Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez) who had collapsed somewhere in an area the looks like the glades. Horatio Caine (David Caruso), Calleigh (Emily Procter) and a team of police frantically search to find him, and despite the fact that this is Florida and the glades, both which contains lots of alligators, the team walks through the watery area without concern of a gator attack.

When they find Delko, he has collapsed in front of what looks like a roadside emergency call box. When a helicopter spots him, the team rushed to his air and an ambulance is called. As Eric is rushed to the hospital, with the obligatory “We’re loosing him!” line, the flashbacks to the beginnings of the CSI team in 1997 begin. Of course, the spot where Eric was found seems to have a special memory of a case which helped to bring Eric to the team.

My problem is that I am not quite sure whose flashbacks we are seeing. Are they Horatio’s? Are they Eric’s? Are they memories of the assorted cast? It seems that in some of the flashbacks, only certain people were present, including quite a few seems with Jesse Cardoza (Eddie Cibrian), a new cast member to whom we have not yet been introduced in the present time. So whose memories are those?

We learn that in 1997, Calleigh is way too happy, perky, spunky, and horribly saccharine. Frank (Rex Linn) has a little more hair - but not much – and a 1980s moustache. There are phone ringing with bells, which in my opinion were already long gone for the most part in 1997. Eric is working for Flagler Tow. Alex (Khandi Alexander) is working as a medical examiner. Natalia (Eva La Rue) is working for the Feds. Horatio has a partner nicknamed “Sully” (Brad Leland) who is the stereotypical fat, annoying, jump to conclusions cop. There is no CSI team, and forensics is just a small room with one guy seemingly running the operation. There are no flashy glitzy special computer effects in forensics and I don’t recall seeing a computer in forensics, despite the fact that they were very prevalent in 1997. Horatio has slightly longer and fluffier hair, he isn’t wearing dark colors, he already stands with his hands on his hips, he already speaks in a soft whisper, but most importantly, he has NO SUNGLASSES. Yes, this is the episode where we see Eric make his valiant search for the perfect pair of sunglasses. I’ll spoil you now – he gives Horatio the pair towards the end of the episode and they have polarized lens with a titanium frames. They will soon take on a life of their own.

Horatio's team forms while working a case of what seems like a domestic murder at first blush but turns out to be murder at the hands of the gardener. Horatio doesn’t believe the husband killed his wife, and uses whatever meager tools he has to prove his point. At one point, though, the suspect seems shocked that he hasn’t seen some of the methods that is being used in this investigation, and my response is that this guy hadn’t likely been watching Law & Order all those years, where basic forensics were commonplace.

Jesse Cardoza spends what seems like half his time spraying a luminol –like substance all over the house where the murder was thought to occurred. I wondered, what made the area with blood light up in blue if he didn’t use a darkened room and an ultraviolet light as they use now? Did he have an extra special spray he was using or extra-special glowing vision glasses? Also, we are given the impression that in 1997 the entire criminal justice system, including the prosecutor Evan Talbot (Denis O'Hare), were unconcerned about the actual evidence and getting their man, and only Horatio had the desire and the smarts to get to the real facts and expose the real murderer. (This is what ultimately gets Horatio his job as head honcho of the new CSI team.)

Of course, Eric wakes up at the end of the episode and sees the whole team standing in his room. He offers a weak smile and Horatio is happy that Eric is alive, hopefully to supply him with more sunglasses for years to come.

This episode provided zero drama and frankly I think they could have done without the whole flashback scenarios. I never really cared about how the team came together, and nothing happened in this episode to make me care even more about them. The show still seems to be catering to the lowest common denominator when it comes to plot and dialog, and the flashback sequences and frequent use of split screens were feeble attempts to inject suspense and drama. I find myself wondering why I continue to watch this show. I suppose that something can be so bad that it still entertains. I can tell you one thing; I think I’ve had my month’s supply of cheese in this one episode.



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The Birth of the Cool: Horatio Caine’s Sunglasses

No, this isn’t about jazz legend Miles Davis’ recording. This is about the crime fighter some people love to hate, Horatio Caine (and the actor who plays him, David Caruso). People always wondered how Horatio got his sunglasses, which seem to imbue him with magical superhuman powers of deductions. In a way, Horatio is like the reverse of Clark Kent/Superman, when Clark must remove his glasses before he can appear as Superman.

Well, wonder no more. CBS has supplied a sneak peek of Monday’s (September 21) season opener of CSI Miami where the story behind the “sunglasses of justice” is revealed. A warning to sensitive eyes – this video is rated “MH” because it includes a “man-hug” with Caruso and Adam Rodriguez, who plays the departing Eric Delko. Be prepared: I suspect that next season, the sunglasses will have taken over the show and will be given top billing, and, after asking for a salary of $250,000 per episode, CBS will then decide to drop all scripted programming in lieu of running a talk show with David Letterman every night.

Enjoy the video!





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CSI Miami “Out of Time” Season Premiere Photos, Episode Information

The first episode of season 8 for CSI Miami (CBS) goes backwards in time before the season can go forward. As viewers are aware, the end of last season left Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez) driving away with his father. The car later is found crashed in a pond and while Eric’s father is there, injured, Eric is nowhere to be found. Since it’s no secret that Adam Rodriguez is leaving CSI Miami, it should be no surprise that the new season begins with Eric in a coma. The episode also involves flashing back to 1997, and the early days of the Miami Dade Police Department, to give insight on how the team became the people that they are in the present day.

We learn a few tidbits of key information as evidenced by these photos and other general information leaked about this episode:

1. Horatio Caine (David Caruso) actually wore white shirts! (He looks better in white, I think)

2. Eric Delko may be the person who started Horatio on his obsession with sunglasses. (It could be because the glare from the white shirts were too much for Horatio when he looked in the mirror.)

3. Frank Tripp (Rex Linn) had hair. On his head, that is.


The show also introduces the new character Jesse Cardoza (Eddie Cibrian) who first shows up in the flashback, but will later return to Miami in the present time. Khandi Alexander also returns in the flashback as ME Alexx Woods.

It hasn’t been made quite clear in how many episodes Rodriguez will appear, so fans will just have to wait and see.

It sounds like an interesting premiere, and long as they don’t “cheese” it up to badly. Enjoy the pictures below that CBS has released for “Out of Time.” (The season premier is on Monday, September 21 at 10 PM.)

All Photos ©2009 CBS Broadcasting Inc.

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CSI Miami “Flight Risk” Have Airsickness Bags Ready

Image from CBS
Don’t bother watching CSI Miami (CBS) “Flight Risk” if you haven’t done so. The whole episode is a crime scene. The episode is about a murder of a flight attendant on an aircraft. Her bloody body is found as it spills out onto the baggage claim carousel. As the investigation continues, there are so many things that are so incredibly ridiculous that I my forehead is black and blue because I smacked my head so much in disbelief.

The obvious: How can a woman carry and dump a body into an area where passengers are sitting and have no one see her do it? I can’t believe that the air marshal was the only one sitting in that whole first class area, or that when he left his seat that it left no one else in the area to see the other flight attendant drop a body into an access panel in the floor. Next obvious question, how does a flight attendant - on her own – stuff that same body into some baggage on her own? Lucky for her, there was a bag with what looked like sporting equipment in it so she could fit the body in there. What would she have done with the body if there weren’t a big enough bag in there?

Even more hideous was the sugary daydream scene where Eric (Adam Rodriguez) fantasizes that he and Calleigh (Emily Proctor) are flying first class somewhere. It gets worse later when Eric is examining luggage tags to try to match handwriting on a stalker letter to the flight attendant with one of the passengers, and Calleigh arrives and she makes her lovesick eyes at Eric. Excuse me; I must get my airsickness bag.

If there is anyone out there who knows all there is to know about airplanes, please tell me that the “Romper Room” is really just a CSI Miami invention. Please tell me, please. And if they do exist, what do they really call them, because ‘Romper Room” just has such a weird connotation to it.

And isn’t is just amazing that Horatio’s (David Caruso) weird spawn - I mean son – Kyle, – who seems to have had no previous works skills, can now be working in the morgue and actually seems OK with touching a body? When he casually lifted up the stewardess’s dead hand I thought that was odd. He also didn’t seem to recoil at the thought of them doing a sex kit on the body. Kyle seems a little to eager to learn about working with dead bodies, it kind of icks me out a bit. Where IS my airsickness bag?

Was Ryan’s (Jonathan Togo) comment to Boa Vista (Eve La Rue) about Eric and Calleigh having some sort of "thing" an attempt to make Boa Vista jealous, or was Ryan just a little peeved about the relationship himself? Personally, I find Calleigh very unattractive as she seems so stiff and cold, and Eric a little too naïve and immature, and even more childlike since his shooting. What an odd couple. I am also not sure if someone is getting a little heavy handed with the hair straightener for Boa Vista, because I don’t think her hair can get plastered any closer to her head.

Sadly, they seem to be cutting back severely on the Horatio one-liners at the beginning of the show. I wonder if the writers were running out of ideas, or if they just got tired of the ridicule. But without the Horatio one-liner, it seems like the opening scream is such a waste!

So unless you have a strong stomach – a very strong stomach – or have an ample supply of airsickness bags handy, I’d tell you to stay away from “Flight Risk.” It is guaranteed to nauseate.

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CSI NY “The Party’s Over” Before It Started

Photo from CBS

Wednesday’s episode of CSI NY (CBS), “The Party’s Over” involved a murder and a case of the “blue flu” for the police department. But this is one case where the CSI NY team delivered a story that seemed overly contrived, with ridiculous forensics and with weak acting.

The murder was of Deputy Mayor Kaplan (David Chisum), who happened to drop from the ceiling along with a pile of balloons at a formal-looking fundraiser. (I call it the show’s annual excuse to put some of the main characters in evening clothes.) Stella (Melina Kanakaredes) was there with her date Brendon Walsh (Ethan Erickson) who is a fireman. Of course, since Stella is first on the scene, she takes over immediately, with Brendon using his jacket to prop up the head of the deputy mayor. Why he did this I have no idea, since the man was clearly was dead. But it was only so he could get some key evidence attached to his jacket, pulling him into the story again later.

Mac (Gary Sinise), meanwhile, was detained from the fundraiser because someone yelled for help, and Mac chased down the criminal in his tux. It was a complete red herring by the way and a waste of story telling time. We didn't need it to see Mac arrest someone while in a tux to understand that a large number of the police force had come down with the blue flu in a protest. In fact, Danny (Carmine Giovinazzo) decides that, after arriving at the crime scene at the fundraiser that he is coming down with the flu as well, and during the episode his colleagues moan to Lindsay (Anna Belknap) about Danny’s lack of dedication. In fact, it creates a real problem when Hawkes (Hill Harper) has to testify in court about a case that Danny was supposed to be testifying for, and Hawkes doesn’t have the complete knowledge of the case, which causes the case to be thrown out.

But back to the fundraiser. Robert Dunbrook (Craig T. Nelson) is planning on making a one million dollar donation to the charity. As he is the editor of The Ledger, it seems clear he is doing it for the publicity, or he expects something in return for his donation. Also, while the group is investigating the crime since, Kaplan’s brother arrives, concerned that Kaplan’s son seems to be missing and he was at the fundraiser with Kaplan. Adam (AJ Buckley), using a heat-sensing device, finds Jake Kaplan (Skyler Gisondo) hiding in a cabinet and coxes him out, and allows him to use his ipod. How touching...well, more like how trite.

But the forensics don’t add up with this case. It all points to HAIR. Magically, they find 10 pristine eyelash hairs with tags on them on a balloon, and a hair of a thoroughbred horse on the victim’s body. They mentioned that static electricity on the balloon helped draw the eyelashes to the balloon. Using that same logic, wouldn’t it also have drawn all the other hair that just happened to be on the floor at the event? There were a lot of people in that room, and I have a hard time believing they wouldn’t have had a huge amount of hair to collect as evidence. Still, they pick out only 10 eyelash hairs to examine. And, with the horse hair, they trace it back to a thoroughbred AND the horse's owner (Dunbrook), but never say exactly how they made the match. Is there a database of thoroughbred DNA on file somewhere? I can’t see how just having the hair itself would allow them to make a match, especially if the hair had no tag on it. And isn't animal DNA comparison muchmore complex and time consuming?

A weak link in this episode was Deputy Inspector Gillian Whitford (Julia Ormond). Ormond’s performance is flat in this episode. The scene where she was talking with the press was wooden and lifeless. It seems that she is just window dressing for the show. She finds a message on her car that later points them to possible corruption with the deceased deputy mayor and involvement from Dunbrook, which even may be affecting the police department finances. She responds to the matter by dialing the phone to call Dunbrook. Mac, of course, had to slow her down and tell her how the matter really needs to be handled. How did this woman get to be a Deputy Inspector? One would think she would know better than to make a frontal attack like that with a seasoned and apparently unscrupulous newspaper editor. Of course, Mac steps in and takes control, and later Kaplan gives Mac a check for $20 million to help shore up the police budget shortfall. Whitford later takes the check and plans to use it to end the blue flu, which it does. She assumes there are no strings attached, but I am sure there will be many.

Adam gets his chance to shine when he helps to draw out the story of the murder from Jake Kaplan. In what has to be one of the silliest murder scenarios ever, maybe really more fitting an episode of CSI Miami, Jake, in some sort of OCD frenzy of sorts, jumps on the back of his father and strangles him with his kiddie clip on tie. As Stella had mentioned earlier, it doesn’t take much strength to strangle someone, just the right positioning. In a moment of sheer stupidity, Adam gives Jake his ipod, which to me, should have been kept as evidence in the murder for a while, since it had traces of a chemical from Jake’s tie on it and which helped "tie" Jake to the crime (no pun intended). I suppose that they felt that they needed to give Adam his one touching moment of the season. I could have done without the saccharine.

But at the end, all seems well with the CSI NY team, as Danny returns to work after the blue flu has ended, and Hawkes seems to have put aside whatever issues he had with Danny’s stance and his actions. The problems for them may come later if they bring Robert Dunbrook back into the mix later on, because one just has to think that he will expect something in return for that $20 million dollars. And how far did that corruption with Deputy Mayor Kaplan go, and who else may be involved?

The hour moved by quickly, but this wasn’t one of their better outings. I could have thought of better scenarios for the Kaplan’s murder that would have set up further complications and storylines down the road. The whole premise of the kid being the murder was lame to say the least – they should keep these kinds of stories for CSI Miami, where kids seem to be frequently used as props to advance a weak storyline. And, unless Julia Ormond can show some more depth in this role, I say that she needs to go. I know the woman can act but her acting style may not fit this role or this show. For some reason, “The Party’s Over” seemed like a dud to me.



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CSI Miami “Presumed Guilty” Presumably Bad

Two Bad Actors - One Bad Episode

Photo from CBS.com

This episode of CSI Miami (CBS), “Presumed Guilty” tried hard to break out of the corny standard that we’ve seen for quite a while now in this series. It tried – but ultimately it failed, as the story was so clichéd. Also a detractor was the much-hyped appearance of Sean Combs as an attorney, whose acting talents are marginal at best.

The episode begins with the murder trial of Alfonso Reyes (Nicholas Gonzalez) in progress, with CSIs Duquesne (Emily Procter), Boa Vista (Eva La Rue) and Delko (Adam Rodriguez) testifying for the prosecution. Proving that this show is as weak in presenting a believable trial as well as a story, the CSIs’ testimonies are picked apart by the defense attorney, Derek Powell (Sean Combs). Never mind that the prosecution was leading the CSIs in their testimony, because Powell didn’t seem to object to this behavior either. Still, Reyes is convicted. But, the case gets quickly re-opened when ME Price (Megalyn Echikunwoke) opens the body bag for the murder victim and finds it swarming with blowflies. I wonder why she had to open the translucent bag to see those flies, as it was clear in one of the shots that the body was crawling with them. Of course, the flies made a beeline for Horatio Caine (David Caruso), in a precursor that should indicate we are in for a smelly story.

As can be expected, evidence later falls into the CSIs laps, which helps confirm that Reyes was not guilty. Lucky for them that a witness to what may have been the murderer fleeing the original murder scene happens to show up in the hospital with a drug overdose – and then mysteriously disappears again. But her statement helps them to locate the original crime scene, where – lucky for them – they find the same blowflies that had taken up residence in the murder victim’s body. Also lucky for them, they find blood on her car that Calleigh realizes is from a golf glove. But, had they not done such sloppy work earlier in the investigation, they would have examined the victim’s car much sooner and found the blood. Lucky for them that Horatio decided to don his CSI lab coat and pull out an air filter in the car that had some DNA in it that likely belonged to the murderer. And in another case of missed evidence, they also seemed to have missed checking the iron that Reyes recalled that he had used right before the murder, which was in the items confiscated from his locker. Apparently no one noticed the glaring piece of evidence that was on it when they placed the iron into the evidence box. Lucky for them them found it the second time around!

The biggest laugh was when Wolf (Jonathan Togo) – who seems to be sporting the beginnings of a pot belly – catches up with one of the suspects, Kevin Sheridan (Chris Wiehl). After having an over-the-top altercation with him, Wolf manages to snap a picture of the suspects broken taillight that – lucky for them – the possible murder witness now kidnap victim Tammy Witten (Rachel Mier) happened to be looking through right when Wolf took the picture and her eye caught the sunlight and created a flare on the picture. Amazing! Not to be outdone, when Horatio realizes that the mylar sheets that the Sheridan had in his car could be disguising the body as it would prevent the heat from the body from showing up on any heat-sensoring equipment, he immediately gets in a helicopter and tells his CSIs to look for the voids in the heat for the area being searched. Of course, Horatio saves the day and they find the kidnap victim in what seemed like a sewer tunnel, and Horatio gets his much-needed embrace from her. (Hmmm...I wondered how those mylar sheets would have worked to cover up her body heat if she would have moved away from that area, even for a few feet?)

Needless to say, with the shifty eyes of Judge Gregory Thorpe (Jim Pirri),and the fact that he dared not to give Horatio his warrant when Horatio asked for it, that I knew that he was going to be a part of the problem, and that Horatio would come back to get him.

What made this show fail is that it continues to fall back into predictable patterns: the over saturated color camera shots, the stiff acting, the lazy, plodding dialog, and the convenient evidence. Let’s not forget that if they hadn’t done such sloppy forensics work, maybe they wouldn’t have tried the wrong man for murder. This was all made worse by the addition of Sean Combs, who has the acting skill of a block of wood. All of this made “Presumed Guilty” into a presumably bad episode. Lucky you if you missed it.


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CSI Miami: “And They’re Offed” Is “Off-Ful”

All images from CBS

Monday’s episode of CSI Miami(CBS) titled “And They’re Offed” brought us a very mindless murder case which seemed less about the murder and more about the CSI Miami team themselves.

In this case, a murder occurs at a racetrack during a horse race. Despite the fact that the victim is in a luxury box that seems to have a huge glass window that appears to be glass on more than one side, no one saw the murder take place. Despite the fact that the murder took place in a crowed racetrack on a floor where it seems only the elite have access, no one saw anyone else come in or leave the room. And no one but a couple on their way to another suite was able to find the body, even though the victim’s bloody face was plastered all over the window. Dr. Price (Megalyn Echikunwoke) notes, "There must be 10,000 people out there," as if we are blind to the crowd. But Horatio Caine (David Caruso) has the perfect answer "And one of them is my killer." Well, considering it took so long for someone to find the body and probably for anyone to get to the crime scene, the killer could have been long gone.

Yes, it was another one of those “CSI for Dummies” cases, where the case is so insipid and ridiculous that it is an embarrassment to the franchise.

Adding to the silliness was the “costume” that Calleigh (Emily Procter) was wearing, which made her look like she should be waiting tables in a posh restaurant, not working a crime scene. Who dresses these people?

Adding to the crime is that it just so happens that Ryan (Jonathan Togo) has an oblique connection. A lost boy seems to find Horatio – who is a like a kid magnet, but adults tend to run from him – and when Horatio helps the boy find his father, Ryan just so happens to be at the man’s house, defending him with his fists against a Russian mobster. Of course, the Russian mobster would rather slit his own throat than suffer the interrogation of Horatio Caine. But they believe the man is affiliated with one of Horatio’s nemeses - Ivan Sarnoff. And Ryan believes that his sponsor, who was to keep him from gambling, has gotten himself involved in gambling and drugs. But, since Ryan’s sponsor told them he couldn’t give the horse the drugs, they simply take his word for it. But, he just so happens to be connected with the Sarnoff because he is in to Sarnoff for a gambling debt and Sarnoff wanted him to fix races for him.

Also at the scene of the murder is a box of what coincidentally happens to be Calleigh’s favorite chocolates – so she knows how she can crack the case. Amazing crime scene work! This comes in to play later on when Eric (Adam Rodriguez) decides to treat Calleigh to a box of those chocolates, leaving them on her desk. But Calleigh is off riding a horse with another man, who they happened to question earlier and who offered Calleigh a ride…on the "horse". Of course, since Calleigh found the man to be very attractive, she was able to eliminate him as being involved in the case almost immediately, just because the guy said he could never hurt a horse.

It turns out that Horatio previously spoke to the murderer without realizing it; they originally caught him trying to grab claim tickets out of the trash. I guess their big dragnet over the racetrack was just a waste of time. But, they were able to catch a poor hapless jockey who admitted to cheating – only this once! – to help her sluggish horse with the race. Yes, the CSIs will root out crime everywhere! Since they can’t get the Russian mobster Sarnoff for the murder of the owner of the horse, they use Ryan’s sponsor to set him up for extortion and race fixing. Despite the fact that Ryan’s sponsor and Sarnoff are in a parking garage all alone, they never hear any footsteps from either Ryan or Horatio, who manage to get right up to them with their guns drawn on Sarnoff. They must float like angels, a few feet off the ground.

At the end of the show, someone is watching all of Horatio’s team, and with Sarnoff’s threats, I assume we are supposed to think he or his people are behind it. It’s a lame attempt at drama. And poor Eric is being set up to have his heart broken by Calleigh, who is seemingly smitten by a man and his “horse.” Predictable.

“And They’re Offed” is simply awful. I wouldn’t bet on it to win, place, or show.


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CSI Miami “Tipping Point” A New Low

What can I say except “”Tipping Point” was probably the most inane CSI Miami (CBS) episode of the season – so far. I say so far because we still have more of the season to come and it could get worse, if that is even possible.

This episode was called “Tipping Point” because it centered on a murder and the people involved afterwards who either act as tipsters or have connections to tipsters. This episode was heavy with repetitive flashbacks, red herrings, and convenient evidence, plus it had the added benefit of helpful criminals, and lazy construction workers.

The show starts with a scene of man, who appears to be drugged or injured, in the back seat of a car, and later, he seems to be buried in a wooden box that is unearthed by a construction company. While a construction auger digs deep, it pierces the wooden box and kills the man, who turns out to be a local reverend who is helping to rehabilitate neighborhood kids. My questions are: Does it seem odd to anyone that for the first day of construction (as the worker said it was) that they would be drilling holes with an auger? And, why would someone decide to use his auger in a place just because it looked like the dirt was loose and it would be easy to begin there? What exactly was he drilling into the ground for? Wouldn’t there be plans on where to drill, where to dig, and where to use earthmovers? Construction workers don’t just arrive and decide to work in an area just because it looks like an easy place to start.

As they investigate the murder further, the CSI team makes a few references to tipsters and basically says they are worthless “crackpots.” If this is the case, why do police departments so often ask for help from tipsters? Of course, in this case, the tipster really isn’t the original tipster, but she is just being fed the information by someone else so she can collect the money. How nice that the original tipster used this woman and put her life in danger to further his own agenda of saving the neighborhood from local gangs.

Of course, we have to have a red herring. Natalia (Eva La Rue) decides to help a woman secure the decent burial for her daughter that the woman had original paid for but where the funeral director wanted to charge more. How convenient for Natalia that when she is talking to the woman about this great act that she did to get the woman an upgrade on the funeral service, a gun goes off in the next room. It just so happens that the woman’s young son was given the gun that had ultimately shot the reverend. An amazing turn of events!

And lucky for Horatio Caine (David Caruso) that he managed long ago to touch the life of one Hector Salazar (Jon Seda), so Hector would want to help turn his own life around and help save the ‘hood. When Hector was “inside” there was a kid who killed a guy in his cell, and usually no one cares about those people in prison. But not Horatio! He cares! He was a cop then, who didn’t look at things “that way” and helped prove that the killing was self-defense and “gave him justice.” Hector now wants to help Horatio to return the favor. Horatio puts his trust in Hector, saying “Don’t disappoint me.” Amazing! Horatio is the man with the golden touch, so golden that he must constantly wear sunglasses just to keep himself from being blinded while looking at himself.

One of these days, I am going to try to quantify the amount of time that the show spends on worthless flashbacks. How many times did we have to see the man get skewered by the auger, or the bomb detonation? Did we have to see Hector getting released from prison and them giving him his belongings? Speaking of a waste of time, as Horatio enters the soon to be exploded home, Delko (Adam Rodriguez) tells him that he only has 30 seconds to get the person out of there. So Horatio wastes time untying the woman, yet he still picks her up and carries her out. Now why would you waste time untying someone if you were going to just pick them up and carry them out anyway? I think Horatio took longer than 30 seconds, by the way.

Then, of course, another example of the fine team spirit of the CSIs, when Wolfe (Jonathan Togo) states, “That’s Delko’s job.” Also, Wolfe’s wardrobe choice of an orange striped shirt and blue tie proves again that he gets his clothes from Ringling Brothers. And isn’t it amazing that the house was blown up in such a huge explosion but it still seemed that the entire outside framing of the house was completely intact? I suppose that the gang knew how to only do a “special effects” explosion where only the windows get blown out. An explosion that looked that large to blow out those windows in that manner would have shown more structural damage. But that house looked really good afterwards. A miracle!

All in all, this episode was worse than mediocre, it was downright awful. The story was weak, the acting stiff and lifeless, and the dialog was fit for a grade schooler. A sure sign of lazy writing is when the show has to use what seems like half of its airtime to show flashbacks. I’d say this episode was aptly named “Tipping Point" because they just tipped themselves over the edge into the deep pit of mediocrity.

(Video is no longer available.)

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CSI Miami: “The DeLuca Motel” Checks in Strong, Checks out Flat

This episode of CSI Miami “The DeLuca Motel” had an intriguing opening. But, the episode proceeds to get ruined as it is cluttered with somewhat "forced" murders and dull forensics. In its attempt to construct and interesting story for Eric, it only does the job halfway, probably because the writers don’t know how to dial down the camp.

Here’s what happened:

The show opened strong, with a scenario that piqued my interest. Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez) seems to be living in the DeLuca Motel, and being overly cautious on top of it. He’s taking great pains to check out his car, he’s very aware of the people at the hotel in the surrounding area. And before you can say “Horatio”, there is a shooting death at the hotel, with Eric getting grazed in the process. Of course, Horatio Caine (David Caruso) has to show up to investigate. And Horatio is wondering –as are the viewers – what is Delko doing in a dive like this?

As his colleagues investigate the crime scene, they wonder the same thing, but Eric remains tight lipped on the subject. Ryan (Jonathan Togo) picks up a piece of paper in Eric’s room referencing a meeting with an "Enrico Moldano." Meanwhile, ME Price ( Megalyn Echikunwoke) discovers a clue that makes her believe the victim’s death was part of a hazing, and before you can say “Horatio, ” the victim’s frat brother is being scrutinized by Horatio. He admits to the hazing but denies having anything to do with the murder. Red herring.

Calleigh (Emily Procter) and Eric examine the crime scene and use lasers to find out where the bullet originated. I am not quite sure why they needed lasers, because a simple line of sight could have been just as useful. A broken bottle is found in the suspected path of the bullet, and Eric recalls exactly when he heard the bottle break, when a couple was arguing by the pool right before the shooting. Before you can say “Horatio,” the arguing couple, Carl and Molly Reston, are brought in for questioning. Of course they deny having anything to do with the murder.

Ryan, under the guise of concern for his colleague, tattles on Eric about the paper he found in Eric’s place about a meeting with Moldano. This is just another case as to how the CSI Miami team really doesn’t act like a team. It seems Ryan’s first instinct is to report Eric, rather than check things out first. Horatio thinks it’s none of their business but Ryan also say he “knows the signs” and thinks Eric is in trouble. It seems more to me that Ryan is dealing a little payback here, just because he once got in trouble himself, he thinks this is his chance to cast a dark shadow on the sainted Eric. But ultimately Horatio decides to check it out anyway. Before you can say “Horatio, ” Caine confronts Moldano at a nearby bar, who tells him Eric gave him $1,000 in exchange for "documents." But Moldano offers nothing more.

Back at the scene, Frank (Rex Linn) and Calleigh are still looking for a gun, and when Calleigh crawls through a vent, she sees a dead body in another room, lying in a bathtub on ice. (Frank looks clearly uncomfortable having to hold Calleigh's backside at his face level while he kept her propped up in that duct.) A pregnant woman in the hotel room with the body says she didn’t kill her boyfriend, but he had been in the vent before he died and was suddenly happy about their future when he came out…and then he just died. She kept him literally on ice to continue to collect his disability benefits.

Back at the lab, Eric chides Ryan for sticking his nose into his business, but the annoying Ryan tells Eric he thinks someone is gunning for him. Eric decides to check on Moldano, who turns up dead in the alley behind the bar. Before you can say “Horatio,” he is at the scene. When Horatio finds that Enrico had obtained Eric’s birth certificate for him, and that Eric has been trying to find out about his family, and that Eric feels like he is being watched, Horatio pulls him off the case.

When a .38 is found at the scene, it points them back to Carl Reston. Before you can say “Horatio,” Reston is being questioned by Horatio and Frank. Reston can now be tied to Moldano’s death and the death of the frat boy. Reston admits he came into a lot of money and hid it in the air conditioning duct, but when he came back for it the money was gone. He argued with Molly about it, and the gun accidentally went off. He tossed the gun away. Ryan and Natalia (Eva La Rue) find the area where the gun was probably tossed, but it is not there, but they see very clear tire tracks, from a three-wheeled vehicle.

Calleigh tells Linda that her husband died of a heart attack. When she asks about what he had found in the air vent, Linda says she didn’t know what it was. When Calleigh asks Linda where she found him, she tells her it was by the ice machine. Calleigh find a sack of cash hidden in th ice machine. That's some cold hard cash for you.

At the lab - why he wouldn't speak to her in a private place outside the lab I have idea - Eric has a discussion with his mother and talks about the inconsistencies in her stories about how they got to the US and his birth. He tells her, "My birth certificate is a fake" and that he got the real one from Enrico Moldano. He was born in Cuba and his biological father’s name is Alexander Shirova His mother says Eric's real father was her boss at the factory, saying it was a mistake, he was a bad man, and to let it go. She days he doesn’t know Eric exists. She apologizes to Eric and they share a hug.

Later at the lab, Calleigh questions Molly Reston. She admits the money is hers. But, the uniform nature of the bills make it appear that it has something to do with drugs. And when Calleigh confronts her with possible charges, Molly says "I must have misheard you, I've never seen that bag before in my life."

Later, back at the motel. Calleigh hands Linda an envelope with money in it, saying it was what Joe found in the vent, and according to Florida law, whoever finds the money has the right to claim it if the real owner refuses to claim it. As the real owner, Molly, changed her mind and said it wasn’t her money, it goes on record as being unclaimed by the real owner. Calleigh is now free to give the money to Linda. Linda of course is thrilled to receive the $26,000. Now really, how ludicrous was this? First of all, wasn’t this money evidence in a murder? While it wasn’t directly involved in the cause of the murder, it belonged to one of the murderers, and probably should have been given to the victim of the crime first, not to someone that Calleigh simply felt sorry for. Usually Calleigh is super ethical and in this case she seemed to be completely out of character, not to mention being simply cheesy and corny as well.

Back at the lab, tapping Horatio’s infinite wisdom, Natalia finds an unusual match to the vehicle for the three wheeled tire marks found at the first murder scene. He also tells her to look for a woman since lipstick was found at the Moldano scene. Among the owners of the vehicles, only three are woman, and Horatio recognizes one of them: Kate Hawkes, who was spotted at Moldano's bar when Horatio first visited Moldano at the bar. It means Hawkes has now been placed at both scenes.

Before you can say “Horatio.” Ryan and Horatio confront Hawkes, and she admits it’s her vehicle and blood found on it means they can put the gun in her hand. In a flashback we see she shot Moldano – not sure why - and that she was also gunning for Eric but she missed. She knows that they don’t have all the information, otherwise they wouldn’t be there. She tells them, "It was a job. " They think she was hired by Alexander Shirova, and they ask his whereabouts, but asks for a deal instead. Horatio thinks this means she doesn’t know, and he speeds off. As they take her into the Miami Dade police department, Eric arrives and talks the matter over with Horatio and his real father. Caine comments, "He's not going away. This is just the beginning." Eric drives off, as Horatio poses, and poses, and poses, and walks straight into the camera.


As I said earlier, the episode started off very well, creating great interest in finding out exactly what Eric was up to. It’s really too bad that dull, secondary cases caused all the drama to be sucked out of the story. It is implied, though, that the story of Eric’s background is just beginning. Let’s hope that as they continue this story that they don’t clutter it up with cheesy, half-hearted crime stories to go along with it. This show has a chance to actually come up with something decent for one of the characters that could get the series out of the all-cheesiness-all-the-time rut for CSI Miami. But I won’t be holding my breath waiting for it.


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A CSI Miami Holiday Elf Dance Party

I’m sure you all remember my CSI Miami Christmas in July message. As Thanksgiving is upon us, and along with it, the start of the whole Christmas and Winter Holiday season, I thought it was time to unveil part 2 of the CSI Miami Christmas video…because one just can’t get enough of the look of David Caruso dressed as an elf.

Please note - this video is no longer available.

CSI Miami Gone Baby Gone: Wrong Baby Wrong

Another episode of CSI Miami that had possibilities. Another story ruined by the absence of drama, stiff acting, and a laughable story.

“Gone Baby Gone” opened with Jill Walsh (Teri Polo), who is out walking with her baby, Sofie, when a couple approaches, claiming Jill stole their baby. While a man restrains Jill, seemingly assuming she was a kidnapper, the couple that accused her of stealing the baby runs off with her child. It’s a scenario that frankly could actually be believable. Soon afterwards, Horatio Caine (David Caruso) arrives on the scene, askance, and when Jill asks if she will ever see Sofie again, he responds, "You will. " Of course, he didn’t specific if she’d see her ALIVE again. And then…the opening scream.

At the Walsh home, Jill is surrounded by her husband Stuart (Mark Humphrey) and son Keith (Steven R. McQueen – grandson of THE Steve McQueen). Calleigh (Emily Procter) obtains DNA samples from the family, and the traditional phone taps are in place. It’s surprising anyone would kidnap a child for ransom any more since they should know that their calls can be easily traced. But, these kidnappers are not so bright, and they call, asking for $500,000 and keep the call short so the call can’t be traced.

But, even though Horatio seemed to promise Jill that Sofie would be returned to them, Calleigh throws cold water on that by telling Jill that if she pays the ransom, there will be no reason to keep Sofie alive, saying "If you give them what you want, they will kill your daughter…You can't blame yourself. These are professional criminals. This is what they do!" I suppose that amateur criminals would keep the baby alive?

Eric (Adam Rodriguez) is investigating a broken window in the house, and Keith informs him that someone threw a baseball through the window the previous week. Keith kept the ball, and Eric improvises and uses a blowdryer to get prints off the ball. No match.

At the kidnapping scene, Horatio notices that the area where the kidnapping took place had no surveillance cameras, which means the kidnappers had some knowledge of the area prior to the crime. Ryan (Jonathan Togo) checks the trash bins in the area to find the baby’s clothes, to which Horatio remarks "They changed her clothes because they're planning to keep her alive." I’m not quite sure how he would arrive at that conclusion; I would think the kidnappers changed the clothes just to disguise the baby so they could get her out. The clothes yield a DNA match to Marty Ellis (Bradley Snedeker), and Jill positively identifies him as one of the kidnappers. Horatio and his posse arrive at Ellis’ home, and he’s dead by gunshot. It’s assumed that Marty’s female partner in crime killed him and took the baby, which makes them think she’ll also kill the baby.

Back at the Walsh house, it’s discovered that Keith swapped the SIM card in the cell phone being used by the Walsh parents, and was intercepting the kidnapper’s calls. I suppose no one noticed he was hovering over the phone? And Keith has also taken the money from his parent’s safe in order to pay the ransom. Meanwhile, Eric borrows some equipment from ME Dr. Price (Megalyn Echikunwoke) to help him get evidence off the insides of the baseball. He does, and it’s a chemical used in photo development. This implicates Brad Garland (Peter Porte), the Walsh’s next-door neighbor who is a photographer and still develops his pictures in his home the old fashioned way. It seems odd that this show, which seems to use all the real and imagined technology, that they still have a photographer who still uses 35mm film and develops his own pictures. Horatio is then questioning Garland, who admits to throwing the baseball because Keith annoys him and he was trying to teach Keith a lesson.

Meanwhile, Eric catches up with Keith, and it seems Keith met the kidnappers in the park, gave the kidnappers the money, but got stiffed and did not get the baby. At the park, Horatio and his crew talk to people in the area, but the eagle eyed Horatio, with his magic sunglasses of infinite vision, spots a pacifier lying in the grass under the park bench where the drop was made. He removes his sunglasses to better see the binky, touching it without any protective gloves on.

At the lab, Natalia (Eva La Rue) gets DNA off the binky and discovers that Stuart is not Sofie’s baby daddy, which means Jill lied to them. Horatio questions Jill and gives her the news, to which see seems somewhat disappointed. She hoped Stuart was the baby daddy, because she only had one fling with Brad Garland, the photographer. It is amazing in this day and age that people don’t know that all it takes is one fling. (Didn't they use protection? What is it with these people?)

Brad Garland is back being interrogated, and seems shocked that he is Sofie’s biological father. He hopes they find her, but doesn’t want to get saddled with child support.

Dr. Price has managed to get the fragmented bullet out of Marty Ellis, and Calleigh works magic to identify the bullet and match it to a casing found at a recent robbery of a jewelry store. She also gets a suspect: Carla Hoyle (Alexandra Holden). Now that’s some magic bullet!

It seems only a blink later that Horatio and his posse have Carla face down on the pavement. Carla admits killing Ellis, and says she gave the baby to the man who hired her, Rodrigo Sanchez (Mario Prado Jr.), the man who just happened to restrain Jill when her baby was being kidnapped. It seems he made it look like he was stopping Jill from kidnapping the baby, when he was really part of the plot. Horatio instructs them to "seal off this city. " Yeah, sure, they'll get right on it now that someone already had plenty of time to leave.

Natalia and Frank (Rex Linn) search Sanchez's locker at the restaurant where he works and find a hidden compartment. The find a journal and a picture of Jill and Sophie Walsh, the photo apparently taken by Garland. Natalia states the obvious and says. "I think Garland and Rodrigo were in on this together." She is just brilliant, I tell you!

Garland is back in interrogation, and he admits that he knew Sophie was his child. He used the baseball to break into the house and steal some of the bay’s hair for a DNA. It made me wonder, the Walsh family has all this money and a safe in the house, but no alarm system? It seems that Garland was able to walk right in and find the baby’s room and take hair without the worry of being caught. Anyway, he does a home DNA test which must have been done at warp speed, seeing that he had to mail it in and get the results back in the time that the window was broken and he planned the kidnapping. Keith said the window was only broken about a week before. That is some fast mail and DNA turnaround! Anyway, Garland said he went to see a lawyer, who said he had no right to the baby, so he decided to take Sofie. But Horatio breaks the bad news to him: Garland’s partner Sanchez is in the wind, presumable along with the money and Sofie.

Sanchez journal also seems to indicate he’s going to sell the baby, and someone is coming from Cape Town that very day. (Now that's fast to arrange a kidnapping and an adoption.) Meanwhile, on the tarmac, a couple disembarks from a private jet and meets Sanchez. The exchange the cash, but before they get the baby, Horatio arrives with sirens blaring, tipping off Sanchez. Sanchez jumps into the car and drives off with Horatio in hot pursuit. Too bad Horatio didn’t seem to call for back up or reinforcements before he arrived, because the ensuing chase caused an accident and Sanchez’s SUV flips. When Sanchez crawls out of the vehicle with his gun drawn, Horatio shoots him dead. Next, we see a cloud of smoke, and Horatio emerging from it, carrying Sofie, who seems to be untouched. Considering the severity of the wreck, that must be some magic car seat. The baby is returned to Jill, who is overjoyed. Horatio stands there, looking like it’s just another day in the life in Miami.



This episode actually started very well, with Teri Polo doing an excellent job as the mother of the kidnapped baby. Sadly, her convincing performance couldn’t save this episode, which was gone, the minute Horatio and his team got the case. The episode clearly descended into cliché, with the typical panicked parents, the renegade son, the convenient evidence, and Horatio being the savior at the end.

But the flaws and holes in the plot were numerous. First, as I mentioned earlier, the turnaround for Garland’s home mail-in paternity test and the evidence of the broken window was just too quick to be credible. One would have to assume at least 3 days just in mail time alone, even if the testing facility was local (and Garland didn’t seem to send it in express.) That doesn’t even take into account how long it would take to actually conduct the test and get the results. I checked a few on line sites and they said their turnaround is five days, unless it’s sent express. I still think this “window” was a little too tight.

Along that line, we have to assume that during that period where the window was broken, Garland did the test and got the results, consulted a lawyer, hand e also had time to set up a kidnapping plot with Sanchez. Let’s go over the kidnap scheme. Sanchez manages to catch someone swiping a credit card off another table to steal the information off the card. Who in their right mind would leave their credit card unattended at a table? Especially a table that is outdoors, no less. I found this ridiculous. Why did Sanchez assume that if they’d steal credit card information they would be willing to steal a baby? That’s quite a leap. Then, what would have happened if the couple refused to cooperate in Sanchez’s scheme? How would he get someone else to kidnap the baby in so short a time? Maybe it’s me, but I found the whole kidnapping plot laughable and completely unrealistic.

I also found it amusing that these professions CSIs had to be constantly reminded to work the case fast because there was a baby involved. If I was Natalia, I would have punched Ryan squarely in the face had he nagged me to hurry. Likewise, Eric thought it was OK to just take Dr. Price’s equipment without permission because there was a baby involved. You know, he does have a cell phone, he could have called her and just asked. For a group of people that are supposed to be on a team, they certainly don’t act like a team.

And what’s the deal with Horatio arriving at the airport with apparently no backup, and with sirens blaring? If he would have had back up, they could have easily surrounded the car and the plane and a chase would not be necessary. If he arrived without his sirens he may have been able to get closer to Sanchez so fleeing would not have been so easy. It was foolish to engage in a chase like that, especially with a child involved. After all, it wasn’t like they were on an urban highway or on streets where someone could have easily disappeared. It was an airport, which may have been easier to close off. I suppose without the chase and resulting car accident, we would not have had the corny scene with Horatio coming out of the cloud of smoke, like some sort of heavenly apparition delivering child from the sky, or some sort of magician pulling off a trick. Scenes like that are what make a joke of the character of Horatio Caine. In fact, the show gets more comic-bookish every week.

And please, will someone do a wardrobe intervention with Ryan? I have no idea who picks his clothes, but I swear he must get them in a clearance bin. He wears the oddest colors. It seems like every week we are treated to some sort of sherbet-type color, like pale orange, lime, raspberry, etc. And he matches the tie in the same color no less. He really needs a makeover.

As far as I’m concerned, “Gone Baby Gone” was bad, baby, bad.


PS How could I forget? This was their 150th episode. Here’s a video where the cast talks about it:





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CSI Miami “Cheating Death” A Rip-Off

He can't hide from this turkey

Another episode of CSI Miami – another feeling that I just wasted an hour. Even "Xena" couldn’t save it.

The bottom line in "Cheating Death” was that a man was killed by a woman who was scammed by a “tanning butler,” and she killed him because he stole her expensive wedding ring. It also uncovers Audrey Yates (Lucy Lawless), who runs an escort service, who was working with the tanning butler to help drive away her “competition.” And while all this is going on, Wolfe (Jonathan Togo) and Delko (Adam Rodriguez) play a prank on ME Dr. Tara Price (Megalyn Echikunwoke) that may have compromised evidence.

Rather than dissect the case – which was one of the dullest on record, mind you – let me cover some of the many misses in this episode.

Of course, the tone of the show can sometime be felt by the line delivered right before the opening scream. In this case, it was not a good sign when Frank (Rex Linn) makes note of the couple – from Kansas - who made the noise complaint that led to the discovery of the body. Horatio (David Caruso) responds dryly, "They're not in Kansas anymore, are they?" Groan.

Another bit of silliness is the hotel concierge who keeps special toys on hand for hotel clients' “special “ needs. And how nice of the hotel to have their logo on the handcuffs. Excuse me? A hotel logo on handcuffs? Did they also put their logo on the other "special" toys too? Somehow I doubt it. But, they needed this little clue to help point them to the concierge, which lucky for them later points to a phony receipt system he had going on the side which eventually pointed to the actual murderer. (Whew! Did you follow that?)

What was amazing to me is that when Wolfe and Delko decide to play a prank on Dr. Price, that with all their experience they didn’t’ realize that the body had been moved in exactly the same position that it was at the crime scene. Now, if these two are supposed to be such great CSIs, and have probably seen a lot of bodies in the morgue, shouldn’t the body's unusual positioning in the morgue have raised a red flag that this was not the time to play a juvenile prank? Equally dumbfounding was that the ME and Calleigh (Emily Procter) could manage to get the body back in the exact position in order for the ME to get those mold of the murder weapon. Even more astounding is that Horatio was able to clear away the ME’s concerns with inconsistencies about the evidence just by looking at the molds and simply turning one of the mold blades!

Equally magical is when Delko is able to reconstruct a bottle that the tanning butler used to drug his victims just by fuming the pieces for prints, then photographing the pieces so the computer can just put them together again. The flaw in this process is that Delko holds the pieces under the camera to be photographed, which, unless he holds the piece exactly the same distance from the camera, could cause distortion when the computer tried to assemble them. Should he have placed them ON the table underneath the camera so the distance and lighting would be exactly the same for each shot, and therefore the proportions of the pieces identical?

And I still think that the women in Miami must be some of the dumbest women on record. Now really, would any woman in their right mind take a drink of something out of a bottle from a stranger that they didn’t really know what it was? And the fact that Lisa Radley (Vanessa Branch) took the murder weapon with her and still had it in her trunk even after being questioned by the police also confirms that Miami continues to have dumb criminals. Wouldn’t it have made more sense for her to have disposed of the weapon in some public trash bin, miles away from the murder scene?

As a side note, David Caruso seemed to be speaking almost too quietly during this episode. It almost seemed like he was getting into some sort of Zen mode or something. I had to keep turning up the volume to hear him. After a while, I decided I wasn’t missing much.

I could go on and on about this episode, but why? I was already cheated of an hour just watching it, why waste any more time?



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CSI Miami “Wrecking Crew” A Total Wreck

This episode actually had possibilities. It had as strong opening. But then it seems to have wrecked itself under the weight of a completely ridiculous story.

In the opening of the episode, Calleigh (Emily Procter) and Eric (Adam Rodriguez) are talking to William Campbell (Tim DeKay) in a high-rise apartment filled with expansive windows. He’s going to testify against the local mob boss, Joey Salucci (James Russo) in a murder trial. It seems they have him in a safe house. Now think about it, how safe would you think you’d be in a high-rise apartment with such expansive windows that it would be easy for anyone to see your every move from another building?

There are other reasons why this place isn’t so safe. While Campbell is going over his testimony for the grand jury, a huge construction crane smashes into the building, throwing the three of them into the wreckage. Calleigh is thrown away from the crumbling edge, Eric is pinned against a wall, but Campbell is hanging over the edge. Calleigh tries to save him, but he falls to his death. And then…without Horatio Caine (David Caruso) present, we hear the traditional opening “scream.” I thought the scream only worked for David Caruso, but I thought maybe the fact that Calleigh got the scream, after her silent gaze down at Campbell’s body, that may, just maybe, this episode had a chance at being good.

I was wrong.

This episode was flawed on so many levels. The most obvious was the murder case for which Campbell was expected to give his grand jury testimony. Calleigh and Eric seemed so sure this would gain them a sure indictment against Salucci. But anyone who has even watched 5 minutes of a credible crime show like Law & Order would know that his testimony meant nothing. Why? Because he SAW nothing. He saw no murder, he only heard a gunshot. There was no body. He never saw the face of the shooter. I’m no lawyer but I think that I could poke tons of holes in this. In fact, if I was on a grand jury, I am not sure this information is strong enough for an indictment.

Another thing that seemed wrong was the construction crane. It looked flimsy for its height. But, the base of the crane at ground level looked wrong. A freestanding crane should be firmly attached or bolted to the ground, and that one looked more like simple red scaffolding at ground level than an actual crane. It looked like a cheesy erector set crane. No, even those look better.

When Ryan (Jonathan Togo) is in the cab of the crane, he finds blood. When Boa Vista (Eva La Rue) is testing the blood sample, she praises it for being “pristine.” Does that mean that the other blood they examine is usually contaminated? I found her observation odd to say the least. And why praise Ryan for collecting a blood that he just happened to find? It’s not like he had anything to do with its quality when it was deposited there. Also, Ryan seemed to be able to find the crane’s black box – which is later called a “tattletale system” too easily. How did he know what it was just by looking at it that it was a system of capturing all the crane’s activity?

One red herring was the project manager, Travis Drake (Joe Penny) who did nothing except volunteer his high-rise property to use as a safe house. Excuse me, but how can a location be considered safe if an outsider volunteers it? His motives for doing so would have been questionable at the time, especially since it was the only finished apartment in the whole high-rise. And how convenient that the construction crane just so happened to be at the exact level of the only finished apartment in the whole building that was on level with the crane? And, lucky for them that there happened to be one car – just one – that was at the construction site that happened to leave pristine tire marks in the nicely placed, undisturbed dirt around the site.

Later, when Eric and Calleigh speak to the Campbell’s wife Beth (Melinda McGraw) and her son Noah (Devon Graye), Beth gives Calleigh a slap on the face for invoking her husband’s name. There are days I have wanted to slap Calleigh for a lot less, so this was a great scene. But, her slap later turns into an apology when she finds that her son is the one who operated the crane by remote and when he lost control, it crashed into the building. Of course, her son got the information on how to do it on the big, bad, internet, which, if you believe these crime shows, only bad things can happen when you get information off the internet.

And I still contend that Miami has the dumbest criminals around. Why would Noah leave the remote in the trash right on top of the building that he operated it from? They made it sound like it was so big that he couldn’t have hid it to remove it. It wasn’t all that big, and frankly, since no one would have been looking at the neighboring building after the crane crashed, he could have walked out the door with it and just thrown it away in some public trash bin. And the man who shot the guy who accidentally killed Salucci’s daughter decides to leave the bullet at the crime scene by flushing it. Now really, wouldn’t it have been smarter to just walk out with it and throw it away in some public trash can a ways away from the crime scene? Also, how did he get out of the club with the guy, who was clearly shot and yelling? If he wasn’t dead when he removed him, how come we didn’t hear him yelling in pain on the 911 call? Did the shooter knock him out too, and if so, how could he NOT be seen dragging out his body? This just didn’t make sense.

But amazingly, while they seemed desperate for Campbell’s testimony with the grand jury in order to indict Salucci, this crack CSI team never seemed to have previously considered checking the audio tape of Campbell’s 911 call before. The 911 call in itself was strange. Think about it – you’re in a public rest room, you’re trying to be quiet so the shooter can’t hear you, yet you get on the phone and whisper? I would think that even despite the loud music, someone would have heard him. And why was the sound of the flushing toilet in the next stall seem so quiet on the 911 call, when the music in the background was so loud? Those public toilets make A LOT of noise when they flush. In fact, ANY toilet makes a lot of noise when it flushes. This just seemed like poor detective work to me that they didn’t check the 911 recording sooner. And lucky for them that the bathroom crime scene remained intact after the shooting because the owner had to close because of lack of business. This allowed them to find the magic shell casing which luckily had a fingerprint burned into it, despite it being flushed. Luck, luck, and more luck.

Of course, they finally get Salucci for the murder of his daughter’s “accidental’ killer when they find lily pollen on the dead man’s body, which luckily Horatio has seen Salucci at his daughter’s grave with the same type of lily. More luck!

All the evidence and the situations surrounding all the crimes in this show are just too convenient. It makes for a boring show and one that is an easy target for ridicule. And David Caruso doesn’t deserve any blame for this one, because it’s the writers who come up with all these contrivances that are really at fault. They’re the real wrecking crew here. In fact, I am starting to feel very sorry for the CSI Miami team because it requires little acting. Emily Procter’s reactions of shock, fear, and then horror when the crane smashes into the building and Campbell falls to his death are later erased as the amateurish story unfolds. Compare this show to any of the CSI and CSI New York shows from this season and it seems clear that while those two continue to maintain a very high quality, CSI Miami is becoming cheesier.

Viewers deserve better. And frankly, so does the cast of CSI Miami.


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